This is the time of year when most people look over 2012 and think of all the fantastic things they have done throughout the year. Common examples include saving the whales, feeding most of Africa and inventing a cure for AIDs. However, I am going to focus on what some of us less capable people may have regretted doing this year.
1) “The Drunken Conversationalist”
That’s right you are at yet another party which your friend has dragged you to and you thought it would be a great opportunity to make some new friends. You have drank one too many of the complimentary glasses of champagne so you feel standing in the corner pretending to text is no longer an option. Elegantly you wobble towards a group of approachable looking people. The conversation is about politics. Luckily when you are drunk you are more knowledgable than any politician and you have the solution to world peace. You add helpful political insights such as “Well personally I think the democrats should win because red is a much better colour than blue” and “We should just tell Putin that we really like him and he is welcome to Cuba”. Needless to say no new friends were made that night.
2) “The Fumble”
We’ve all been there. Your best friend suddenly seems really attractive or the guy you met in the elevator (but you farted in there and assumed he smelt it so you thought would never be interested) is suddenly indeed interested. These people will be subject to a moment of lunacy on your part. Perhaps your gold fish has just died and you are in deep bereavement and elevator was there as a shoulder to cry on. The shoulder becomes more than just a shoulder, it becomes an awkward fumble. The awkward fumble then causes you to avoid taking the elevator ever again in fear of seeing him but you do lose a lot of weight taking the stairs.
3) “The Ridiculous Purchase”
“Wow that porcelain horse that doubles up as an ash tray and is remote controllable looks really useful” said the vulnerable person who really can’t afford to spend any more money. The vulnerable person often doesnt even smoke, so an ash tray is pretty much useless anyway. When you return home you realise that what you have bought is essentially a piece of shit. However, you refuse to admit this to either yourself or your friends. Eventually you are forced to take up smoking to prove that it is useful and you become even poorer due to your new habit.
4) “The Drunk Confession”
They say that “The drunken mind speaks the sober truth” we just wish this statement was untrue. After downing a ridiculous amount of vodka in a short space of time the urge to tell someone your deepest, darkest secret becomes overwhelming. You find yourself telling the man you just met that “I secretly love Justin Bieber” or “I used to think sanitary towels were aeroplane stickers” (seriously though the ones with wings do). Then you get so embarrassed you never leave the house ever again.
All of these things happen in January.